Monday, July 28, 2008

Will you say I do?

Have you ever been proposed to? We were watching Definitely Maybe the other night and were talking about proposals. When I got married, I had the sweetest proposal. We were in the shower together; she was getting ready to leave for work. I had just finished scrubbing her back and she turned around, facing me, got down on her knees and asked me to marry her. While the water was running down my face and my hair was in a disarray, I said yes and kissed her. We were married shortly after.

While watching the movie, we were talking about proposals. Her dad proposed to her mom on the bridge. They had been out on dates with each other's best friends. Her mom feigned a headache and her dad took her home then they went out together. I started thinking how my own parents proposed. I didn't know. Normally, I would call dad and ask him but he isn't here anymore. So I called my aunt. She didn't know either. I thought about my stepmother and how she was proposed to. I want to ask her, but I think it is still too soon. She still cries when she talks about him.

It made me sad knowing that I don't know how my parent's proposed. When I was a little girl, I still believed in the fairy tales. I thought you would date, fall in love, be proposed to and get married. I grew up through two divorces and seeing relationships as something unstable. As I matured, so did my thoughts on marriage and romance. My first girlfriend and I were romantic. We would cuddle together on the couch, eat dinners together, go on trips - it was nice. When I dated my ex, we went on our first actual date and had Ethiopian food at Blue Nile, walked around Short North, and then went to tea and dessert at Zen-Cha Tea Salon. Afterwards, we went home and cuddled on the couch and watched Love Actually. It was sweet and romantic.

Many moons later, I am questioning romance, love and relationships. I was burned, charred to a crisp and left out to die. Who hasn't been though? I have been jilted and jaded, bittersweet. Am I afraid of relationships? No. Cautious maybe, but not afraid. Do I want to settle down? I have been settled before, had my wild times and yeah, I am ready to stay being a homebody (aka hermit for some). I want my fairy tale back. Sometimes I want her to come and sweep me off my feet. Other times I just want someone there. She asked me the other night if I miss making out passionately with someone. Yeah, I guess sometimes I do. Sometimes I think I am just content with myself. She asked if I met someone who treated me like a queen, someone who loved me so very much, if I would drop down my walls and barriers and let that person in. I would hope I would.

So, I go back to thinking about what I want. Who is my perfect girl? I had her once. She had every aspect and quality I wanted in someone, as if someone carved her out of stone just for me. She was tender, caring, romantic and silly. She wasn't afraid to leave me little poems. She wasn't afraid to try things and explore. We had our time and it was good.

I want someone who isn't afraid to look like a fool for me. I want someone who can make me laugh and smile until I can't take it anymore. I want someone who cares about what is going on in the world and will enjoy the outdoors with me - especially waterfalls. Someone who will touch my shoulders and turn me to see a doe crossing our path. Someone who likes to garden as much as I do. Someone who cares about a baby bird and knows they aren't disposable. And someone who remembers that intimacy is just as important as the entire relationship.

Love me, loving you
Is all I want from you
Forever and a day, is not long enough I say
To show you how much you mean to me

I love you, loving me

Hold me, holding you
And we'll always hold on to
The feelings that we share
We won't let go I swear
'cause I'll show you how much you mean to me
I love you, loving me

Your pretty smile, it drives me wild
Something no one else can do
So take my hand and my wedding band
And tell me that you do

Now kiss me, kissing you
We're one now, we're not two
Together 'til the end

We'll always be best friends

And I'll show you how much you mean to me
I love you, loving me
Yes I'll show you how much you mean to me
I love you, loving me

Sometimes I miss this part of love. But I think I miss most of all sleeping next to that one person who you think you will have forever with. Being able to roll over and know that they are there. Toes touching all night, listening to breathing. Just a closeness that can never be broken. Maybe I do want that back. Maybe it is still too soon. I guess only time will tell.

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